How to Love Yourself? Start with Self-Care -

More than half of 2025 has passed; do you remember the last time you truly took care of yourself? When facing unhappy moments, did you embrace your emotions? When you felt tired, did you allow yourself to rest for a while? On your days off, did you actually take a break and do things you enjoy?

If your answer to the above questions is yes, remember to thank yourself for taking good care of your body and soul, and for not forgetting how much you deserve to be loved.

Self-care involves continuously caring for oneself every day and requires setting aside time to practice. Speaking for myself, it is not easy either. On one hand, I work in promoting mental health; on the other hand, I study master of social work at night and also have family responsibilities. Juggling different roles, the 24 hours in a day seem hardly enough, I believe many HongKongers can likely relate to this feelings. However, I have realized that busyness makes it even more crucial not to neglect self-care. No one knows your physical and mental state better than you. Are you energized, or are you exhausted? Listen to your inner voice—what do you hear? Is it a reminder, a shout for help, or a complaint about ignoring the signs from your body? Or is it gratitude for your attentiveness to your needs?

"One Person, One Self-Care" Video Series

To explore whether emerging adults are aware of and practice self-care, our team recently visited various universities to create the "One Person, One Self-Care" video series. This idea arose from hearing students say, "I'm mentally healthy; mental health is not my concern..." It seemed many students felt the need to pay attention only when "red flags" appeared, but actually, maintaining our mental and physical health requires everyday self-care, and making it a habit is crucial. Thus, we initiated this self-care video project.

Here are some common misconceptions about self-care that we can go through together:

"I am physically and mentally healthy, I don’t need self-care."

"I don’t have time for self-care."

Self-care is not a last-minute resort but a habit that needs time to cultivate. It involves continuously listening, understanding, and responding to oneself, nurturing our inner selves. Initially, I do not know why I need to do self-care when I am fine and do not know how to do self-care, finding it abstract. But after starting to care for small plants, I began to understand. Observing their growth and watering them became a way of caring for them; similarly, self-care is about monitoring our own physical and mental state daily, and then taking appropriate actions to care for ourselves.

Did You Care for Yourself Today?

Try to ask yourself, what do I need right now? Feeling a bit tired, do I need a 15-minute break? Have I been sitting too long working or discussing group projects, do my shoulders and neck feel tired, should I stretch a bit? Honestly, sometimes I continue working despite feeling tired, but by pushing myself too hard, I end up getting sick; I have also forgotten to water the plants before rushing out for a day's schedule, and upon returning home, not only am I tired, I then remember I forgot to water them in the morning. Just as a few days without water can easily dry out a plant, not taking timely care of ourselves can lead to fatigue. Being consistently attuned to our needs requires effort, but it is definitely worth it because nobody knows you better than yourself. No one can do it better than you. Let’s work together, and cherish ourselves more.

Loving yourself more can start with recognizing the need for self-care, then exploring the ways of self-care that suit you, and gradually implementing them step by step. Research shows that regular self-care helps relax the body and mind, reduces stress, anxiety, depression, enhances overall mental health, and prevents burnout. However, if you find it difficult to practice self-care or initially feel uncomfortable or unaccustomed, that is ok. Recognizing these feelings is an important step in self-care and listening to your inner voice.

We All Deserve Self-Care

But if you are willing to start making self-care a part of your daily routine from this moment on, try starting with just 5 or 10 minutes a day, doing something that takes care of yourself. Everyone's ways of self-care is different, and the ways we take care of ourselves each day can vary. As long as you move at your own pace, feel comfortable, and meet your needs, that is fine. In the "One Person, One Self-Care" video series, students shared some self-care wisdom, such as taking walks to enjoy nature, walking without looking at the phone, having a cry, finding companionship in friends, listening to one's inner voice, and writing a gratitude journal. Hopefully, these can also inspire you to take good care of yourself.

During the vox-pop, we asked students two questions:

"Have you ever had experience taking care of others?"

"And have you taken good care of yourself?"

Students usually find it easier to answer the first question, sharing their experiences of caring for others. However, when asked the second question, some pause and think, some are unsure, and some ask, "Does that count as taking care of myself?" This question was designed because it is observed that we often pay attention to others' needs, usually having one or two experiences of caring for someone; but we seldom take the initiative to care for ourselves.

From Self-Care to Self-Compassion

From self-care to self-compassion involves moving from basic physical and emotional needs to understanding how to treat oneself kindly and with a compassionate attitude during times of distress and suffering, and soothing oneself with kindness. Why does it seem easier to care for others, yet fewer people practice self-compassion? Research has found that although cultivating self-compassion effectively reduces negative emotions and promotes positive feelings, people with higher levels of self-criticism tend to resist being kind to themselves.

Additionally, a meta-analysis has revealed that difficulties in achieving self-compassion are related to attachment insecurity, including attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. The former is characterized by a craving for intimacy and care but simultaneously fearing abandonment and possibly having lower self-esteem, making them prone to self-criticism and self-blame in tough situations, hence making it harder to be kind to themselves. The latter tends to maintain an independent self-image and avoid close relationships, leading to higher self-standards, stronger self-criticism, and a greater sense of isolation in difficult times, which makes self-compassion more challenging.

Each of us faces hardships and suffering, and it is truly not easy to practice self-compassion during these times because it requires acknowledging our vulnerabilities, which is not an easy step for anyone. So remember, it is ok if you have not mastered self-compassion yet; this awareness itself is already a form of caring for yourself! Do not blame yourself for not having achieved it yet. On the journey of self-care, there is no right or wrong, no fast or slow. If you are going through a tough time in life, remember that it is very important to gently care for your feelings. Let us learn step by step.

Dear, be Kinder to Yourself

In Chinese culture, there is a saying: "Be strict with oneself, but lenient towards others," which means to be demanding of oneself while being tolerant towards others. I want to challenge this notion—why must we always be so harsh on ourselves? Why can't we be equally forgiving towards both ourselves and others? Some argue that being lenient with oneself is akin to indulging oneself, but this isn't necessarily the case.

Self-compassion is not about indulging ourselves; rather, it's about transforming our attitude from self-criticism to understanding, learning to stop the endless criticism of oneself; comforting oneself is not about being pretentious, but about recognizing your emotions when you are in pain, acknowledging that you are indeed hurting, and not needing to be harsh on yourself but rather to take good care of your feelings.

How to Begin Practicing Self-Compassion?

Here are some ways of self-compassion that you may find suitable. If you try them and find they work for you, I encourage you to continue doing it, making self-care a regular part of your routine. If you find they may not be suitable, recognizing this is also a form of self-compassion—just proceed at your own pace.

Start from Practice of Loving Kindness for Self

In a time and space where you feel comfortable, try to ask yourself non-judgmentally:

What emotions are you noticing in yourself?
What needs do these emotions reflect?
Have these needs been recognized by you?
After recognizing these needs, are you willing to be self-compassionate?

Research indicates that practicing self-compassion can increase positive emotions, alleviate self-criticism, and reduce the distress caused by depressive emotions. If you are willing, you can try to do the exercise of loving kindness for self:

Write Down or Speak Out Loving Kind Words to Self

Cultivating the habit of self-compassion takes time and can also begin with writing down kind words. A study recruited 68 undergraduates who had high levels of self-shame, of whom 29 participated in a 16-day self-compassionate letter-writing intervention. It was found that participants' self-shame, self-criticism, anxiety, and depressive emotions significantly decreased, and these effects persisted even one month later. Writing down kind words might feel unfamiliar at first, but these words are only for you, so there is no need to worry about others' opinions. Encouragement, comfort, affirmation, appreciation, and praise are all good. When self-criticism arises, look at these words you have written to yourself and remind yourself that you absolutely deserve to be treated gently!

Besides writing, you can try speaking the compassionate words you have written, engaging in positive self-talk. This is not just talking to yourself, but rather a process of internal dialogue, consciously choosing to converse with yourself. Find a quiet time and place to be alone, perhaps in the morning after getting up, look at yourself in the mirror and try saying, "Thank you for getting up and facing the unknowns of the day"; when self-criticism appears, try telling yourself, "Thank you for working so hard!" or "I don't need to be perfect to be loved." Let us all be the one who care for ourselves, learning to converse kindly with ourselves. If you feel uncomfortable speaking out loud, that is ok; just find a suitable way to care for yourself.

Engage in Love Kindness Actions to Self

In a safe and comfortable environment, giving yourself a gentle hug is already a kind gesture. You might try some soothing touch exercises, such as the butterfly hug, where you cross your arms over your chest and gently tap your shoulders, just like the flapping of butterfly wings. Research indicates that this helps reduce anxiety, bringing a sense of safety and comfort. Initially, you might feel uncomfortable or embarrassed doing this, and that is perfectly fine; recognize these feelings and proceed at your own pace is really ok.

There are many ways of self-care and self-compassion, and the above are just some of the ways. If you wish to explore more, you can enroll in the TourHeart+ Daily Self-Care modules, as well as one of the Mindfulness-Based Training course stations: Starting with Loving Kindness. This includes five suggestions to be kinder to yourself - audio guide to help you take good care of yourself. We are all on the journey of learning to love ourselves. There is no need to rush; take it slow and let's practice self-care and self-compassion together!

References:

Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Matos, M., & Rivis, A. (2011). Fears of compassion: development of three self-report measures. Psychology and Psychotherapy, 84(3), 239–255. https://doi.org/10.1348/147608310X526511

Tod, D., Hardy, J., & Oliver, E. (2011). Effects of self-talk: a systematic review. Journal of Sport & Exercise Psychology, 33(5), 666–687. https://doi.org/10.1123/jsep.33.5.666

Kok, B. E., Coffey, K. A., Cohn, M. A., Catalino, L. I., Vacharkulksemsuk, T., Algoe, S. B., Brantley, M., & Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). How positive emotions build physical health: Perceived positive social connections account for the upward spiral between positive emotions and vagal tone. Psychological Science, 24(7), 1123-1132. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612470827

Shahar, B., Szepsenwol, O., Zilcha‐Mano, S., Haim, N., Zamir, O., Levi‐Yeshuvi, S., & Levit‐Binnun, N. (2015). A wait‐list randomized controlled trial of loving‐kindness meditation programme for self‐criticism. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 22(4), 346-356. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.1893

Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., & Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10, 1455-1473. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6

Swee, M. B., Klein, K., Murray, S., & Heimberg, R. G. (2023). A Brief Self-Compassionate Letter-Writing Intervention for Individuals with High Shame. Mindfulness, 14(4), 854–867. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-023-02097-5

Huang, M., & Wu, E. Z. (2024). The associations between self-compassion and adult attachment: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(2), 681-713. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241265766

Jarero, I., & Artigas, L. (2025). The EMDR Therapy Butterfly Hug Method for Self-Administered Bilateral Stimulation. Technical Report. Research Gate. https://tinyurl.com/2dv4yakr

Tushe, M. (2025). The Role of Self-Care Practices in Mental Health and Well-being: A Comprehensive Review. Preprints. https://doi.org/10.20944/preprints202504.0363.v1

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How to Love Yourself? Start with Self-Care

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"One Person, One Self-Care" Video Series

Did You Care for Yourself Today?

We All Deserve Self-Care

From Self-Care to Self-Compassion

Dear, be Kinder to Yourself

How to Begin Practicing Self-Compassion?

Start from Practice of Loving Kindness for Self

Write Down or Speak Out Loving Kind Words to Self

Engage in Love Kindness Actions to Self

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